I'm feeling a little dark and angsty today. We all have days like that, right? Well, today is my day.
I used to love writing, especially about my faith, but that stopped a few years ago for lots of reasons: Men are dismissive, women are mean; men are mean, women are dismissive; the church is mean and dismissive, mean people suck and I got tired of it all. I ended up clinically depressed, medicated and in therapy, albeit temporarily. Temporarily because therapists suck sometimes, too.
Now, it's five years later and I'm doing better. I originally wrote "much better" right there, but I'd rather be honest. Some days it's not much better, but it's OK. I've been off medication for 4 years and find I do better when I exercise regularly, eat right, and get plenty of sleep. So all of those public service announcements are pretty accurate, at least in my case.
When everything fell apart, I couldn't even write one word in a journal. The therapist told me I didn't have to write, I could just draw. I couldn't do that, either. Fast forward a few years. In the last year, I've wanted to return to writing, but I never could get comfortable with it. I'd write something that I thought would inspire me to keep going, but I'd just give up again. Hence the title of this entry.
So, I'm done trying to be inspirational. I'll just be honest. If it works, fine. If not, I'm OK with that, too. You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself. At least that's what Ricky Nelson said and he seemed pretty smart about some things.
Anyway, here it is:
I haven't opened a Bible in more than a year. Not really, anyway. First, because I was angry, but underneath it all I was afraid. I have spent a lifetime in church and, when you're a woman, that's complicated. Part of the path that led me to that dark place was this:
What if what They say is true?
What if God made me weak-minded? Easily deceived? Banned from teaching over men? A vessel to bear children? Supporter of Husband's efforts as Head of The House? Called to be a help meet (defined as, one who does whatever is needed to ensure husband's success) to him, but have no one called to be a help meet to me?
If God made me for these, I decided I didn't want to know Him. Not intimately, anyway. What's the use in having a deep relationship with someone who says I'm less than, not enough, inadequate, weak?
Even as I was falling apart, a voice rang in my head telling me it wasn't true. My very limited research showed me there are other ways to view those scriptures that, at least in my experience, have been used to hold women at arm's length in the service of God. I've found a handful of authors who are brave enough to push against the current teaching and share what they've discovered about mutual submission, what ezer (help meet) really means (hint: it has absolutely NOTHING to do with darning socks) and that original language has not always been translated well.
I want to believe God has bigger plans for me than putting a meal on the table and making a bunch of babies (which are great things, but can't be my ONLY things), but I am leery. Like the game of trust where you fall backwards without looking. Will He be there to hold me up or will He let me fall? "See! I SAID you were easily deceived!" Such a cruel thought, but that is how my imperfect mind works. Sometimes I don't think I can trust God. There. I said it.
I have a HUGE problem with the idea that God would love me so much he'd send Jesus to be tortured, murdered and spend days in hell on my behalf, but I am not worthy to lead in prayer in my local church or lead a Sunday School class where there are men in attendance. That's crazy! Who I have been taught by the church that I am supposed to be bears no resemblance to anything I could even pretend to be.
I simply can't be Her - the Living-Through-Her-Husband one. Not only would the world I know fall apart if I had to be that dependent on the proclamations of Husband, I have also been known to disagree out loud, in church with male teachers. Gasp! I would personally fall apart if I thought my value lied in my willingness to be Her. As a matter of fact, I kind of did fall apart a few years ago and it wasn't pretty. I can't pretend such a life would fulfill who God made me to be.
I am not her.
Discernment is the spiritual gift male church leaders told me I possess. How can I be gifted with discernment and be easily deceived? Seriously, how?
My life makes no sense if what I've been told about my identity as a "woman in Christ" is true. Either my whole life is wrong or the theology is wrong.
So, I decided begin again.
I'm going to stop listening to what others tell me the Bible says and Just Read The Bible.
Rich Mullins said this:
"If you're a very brave person, I highly recommend a serious reading of the scriptures. Instead of always trying to understand it so that it fits your theology, I'd really like to challenge you to read it and say, 'That's what it says.' Of course it doesn't make sense; it's true! The truth very seldom makes sense."
I'll handle my confusion as it comes.
"In the beginning was the Word. The Word was with God and the Word was God." That's as good a place to start as any, I guess.
I used to love writing, especially about my faith, but that stopped a few years ago for lots of reasons: Men are dismissive, women are mean; men are mean, women are dismissive; the church is mean and dismissive, mean people suck and I got tired of it all. I ended up clinically depressed, medicated and in therapy, albeit temporarily. Temporarily because therapists suck sometimes, too.
Now, it's five years later and I'm doing better. I originally wrote "much better" right there, but I'd rather be honest. Some days it's not much better, but it's OK. I've been off medication for 4 years and find I do better when I exercise regularly, eat right, and get plenty of sleep. So all of those public service announcements are pretty accurate, at least in my case.
When everything fell apart, I couldn't even write one word in a journal. The therapist told me I didn't have to write, I could just draw. I couldn't do that, either. Fast forward a few years. In the last year, I've wanted to return to writing, but I never could get comfortable with it. I'd write something that I thought would inspire me to keep going, but I'd just give up again. Hence the title of this entry.
So, I'm done trying to be inspirational. I'll just be honest. If it works, fine. If not, I'm OK with that, too. You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself. At least that's what Ricky Nelson said and he seemed pretty smart about some things.
Anyway, here it is:
I haven't opened a Bible in more than a year. Not really, anyway. First, because I was angry, but underneath it all I was afraid. I have spent a lifetime in church and, when you're a woman, that's complicated. Part of the path that led me to that dark place was this:
What if what They say is true?
What if God made me weak-minded? Easily deceived? Banned from teaching over men? A vessel to bear children? Supporter of Husband's efforts as Head of The House? Called to be a help meet (defined as, one who does whatever is needed to ensure husband's success) to him, but have no one called to be a help meet to me?
If God made me for these, I decided I didn't want to know Him. Not intimately, anyway. What's the use in having a deep relationship with someone who says I'm less than, not enough, inadequate, weak?
Even as I was falling apart, a voice rang in my head telling me it wasn't true. My very limited research showed me there are other ways to view those scriptures that, at least in my experience, have been used to hold women at arm's length in the service of God. I've found a handful of authors who are brave enough to push against the current teaching and share what they've discovered about mutual submission, what ezer (help meet) really means (hint: it has absolutely NOTHING to do with darning socks) and that original language has not always been translated well.
I want to believe God has bigger plans for me than putting a meal on the table and making a bunch of babies (which are great things, but can't be my ONLY things), but I am leery. Like the game of trust where you fall backwards without looking. Will He be there to hold me up or will He let me fall? "See! I SAID you were easily deceived!" Such a cruel thought, but that is how my imperfect mind works. Sometimes I don't think I can trust God. There. I said it.
I have a HUGE problem with the idea that God would love me so much he'd send Jesus to be tortured, murdered and spend days in hell on my behalf, but I am not worthy to lead in prayer in my local church or lead a Sunday School class where there are men in attendance. That's crazy! Who I have been taught by the church that I am supposed to be bears no resemblance to anything I could even pretend to be.
I simply can't be Her - the Living-Through-Her-Husband one. Not only would the world I know fall apart if I had to be that dependent on the proclamations of Husband, I have also been known to disagree out loud, in church with male teachers. Gasp! I would personally fall apart if I thought my value lied in my willingness to be Her. As a matter of fact, I kind of did fall apart a few years ago and it wasn't pretty. I can't pretend such a life would fulfill who God made me to be.
I am not her.
Discernment is the spiritual gift male church leaders told me I possess. How can I be gifted with discernment and be easily deceived? Seriously, how?
My life makes no sense if what I've been told about my identity as a "woman in Christ" is true. Either my whole life is wrong or the theology is wrong.
So, I decided begin again.
I'm going to stop listening to what others tell me the Bible says and Just Read The Bible.
Rich Mullins said this:
"If you're a very brave person, I highly recommend a serious reading of the scriptures. Instead of always trying to understand it so that it fits your theology, I'd really like to challenge you to read it and say, 'That's what it says.' Of course it doesn't make sense; it's true! The truth very seldom makes sense."
I'll handle my confusion as it comes.
"In the beginning was the Word. The Word was with God and the Word was God." That's as good a place to start as any, I guess.
